Celeste Dobropolski On May 28, 2010 at 1:16 pm

Dead or Alive ParadiseDead or Alive: Paradise is pornography. That doesn’t necessarily make it bad. What makes Dead or Alive: Paradise a horrible game is the fact that it is soft-core pornography streamed over a dial-up connection. The Dead or Alive series, while known for its less than faithful to reality chest physics, has created a fan following and namesake. This game is only for that handful of die hard fans who just need to own every DOA game created. Otherwise, don’t bother.

Like I mentioned before, this concept isn’t the game’s undoing. What begins as something that alludes to dating sims meets Animal Crossing turns out to be something entirely underwhelming. Your goal in the game is to play as one of the girls and try to ‘flirt’ with the other girls by giving them gifts. You’re given a rudimentary gift guide that basically maintains the complexity of a Fisher Price toddler toy. The gift guide does not cover all types of gifts in the game, however, so sometimes sending gifts to a girl can be a crapshoot. That’s not even mentioning how contrary, moody, and one dimensional the girls seem to be. You can only win over girls to explore the island with you if they are compatible, but even sometimes winning them over seems to be in vain when they leave your side the next day. The ticket to keeping a girl with you is to give her constant gifts, apparently. Isn’t this sounding a bit too much like a misogynist harping about the worst parts of dating reality?

Exploring the island with another girl means you probably won’t be doing mini-games like pool hopping to earn money, which is really the fastest way in the game to earn money. You do unlock the ability to play beach volleyball, but once you figure out how to play pool hopping and volleyball, they no longer possess any challenge. Other than that, there’s not much to the island. Island exploration is stilted and the appearance of the girls is random. Edible gifts and those of the garden variety will go bad in the middle of the day, so you have to use them quickly. There’s a casino to play late at night which also can help build your fortune. The poker games are terribly easy while the Blackjack is as corrupt as any real casino. Your main goal in the game is basically earn enough money to buy skimpy bikinis for the girls. If you’re thinking this is starting to sound like an M rated version of Barbie’s Island Adventure, you’re not far off. Each girl can visit the island for 14 days at once, then you rinse and repeat with another girl or the same girl. Each girl keeps items you’ve bought while playing as her, but if you gift bikinis to other girls, don’t expect to be able to use them during the Private Paradise movies. Movies, you ask? But of course. After finishing the game entirely once, you unlock MOVIES. Seems a bit dull, but basically you get to see the girls in the skimpiest bikinis you can afford doing various actions such as applying sun tan lotion. The best part of the movies? No load times.

Load times are the biggest downfall for the game. As far as production quality, the graphics are decent, but not stellar enough to warrant the incessant and lengthy loads that plague the game. It’s possible to take pictures of the girls to use as PSP wallpapers, but the resolution of the pictures also is not enough to warrant making them a wallpaper, especially when you consider that the PSP is capable of downloading high-res pornography for that purpose. The camera in game is also disappointing due to lack of intuitive control and a very short time allotted to take good pictures. Expect to cut off heads when aiming for the perfect boob or ass shot until you get the hang of it. The vocal work in the game is on a level that far surpasses the rest of the game, though the small number of phrases for the girls will make you put the game on mute for extended playing. The music is decent as well, providing an upbeat yet relaxing vibe that reminds me a bit of the music in Persona 3. If it’s not your flavor, you can always play your own music that you have on your PSP through the game’s radio station. That said, there is truly no reason to have so many terrible loads, except maybe to cause blue balls for players that may be getting too excited during that 14 seconds of sexy.

Basically, if you want to play a dating sim, you can buy one for less than this game. If you want pornography, you can download that for free. If you want a DOA game, there are so many other ones out there that are more entertaining than this one. But if you want to buy bikinis all day, and I do mean all day because of waiting for the load screens, then this is the game for you.


Yaaaawn. Sexy girl for ten seconds. More yawn. Load screens are killer, yo.


Decent, but I’ve seen way better on the PSP, and I would think something as visually oriented as this game would try harder.


Best part of the game, though the lack of variety wears thin.


Not as fulfilling as a dating sim, not as sexy as porn. Try Newgrounds instead.

Comments are closed.