Malcolm Owen On November 6, 2000 at 1:03 pm

It’s not just the boobs.. Ok, it IS mainly the boobs, but there are more reasons though!

The Tomb Raider Series (And Ms Croft) has become one long running joke. It is just unbelieveable how many people would (to phrase it in the Jerry Springer guest style) ‘dis Lara. So, at great risk of not being sent free stuff by Core Design and Eidos (Hell, I haven’t even had ANYTHING free from them, so there is nothing to lose by doing this anyway!) here is our top 5 reasons to hate Lara Croft’s pixelated guts!

1. Those Breasts.
Yes, I know, male gamers are meant to like a bit of titilation, but Lara takes it to the extremes. You can actually plot out her cup sizes on a graph (if you could be bothered to do it). Between TR1 and TR2, her breasts actually shrank, and since then, they have been growing to monstrous sizes. Soon, you will need to have 2 3D cards in your PC… one to do the game itself, and the other to do her jugs! Imagine the guys at Core Design, wondering about the physics of her assets for her next game…

2. Boredom.
The TR games have been going on for quite a few years now, and with TR5 on the horison, it is getting a bit rediculous. A new Lara game has become a tradition at Christmas, in the same vein as the Chrtstmas tree, Santa, presents, and bad kids films on TV. This has gone on long enough, and must stop before it becomes a lyric in "Silent Night"!

3. Dress Sense.
Every game, she wears exactly the same outfit, that is a skin-tight green t-shirt top thing, some shorts, white socks, brown shoes, that backpack, and all without the aid of a half decent sports bra! Ok, I admit, she does change clothes every so often in the games, but mainly, it is that bloody green-top/shorts combination!

4. The Models.
Yes, they do look good. Yes, they can be fantacised about, but come on! They do absolutely nothing except go to trade shows like ECTS and E3 (Where the general public are not allowed in anyway). They are meant to promote the game series to the average gamer, but do we see much coverage of their glamourous photo shoots? Do they go on the front of a breakfast cereal? Do they do TV appearances? No. The only occasion that I have seen one of the models actually shift their arse and do some promotion is for 3DFX, where she gave some graphics card to someone on their front door in all the Lara Croft style. In my opinion, to count as work, the models have to do more than 3 day’s work a year…

5. The Cash In.
Eidos have gone to town with the Lara Croft merchandise. Here is a brief example of what I have seen… Bomber Jackets, T shirts, towels, clocks, dolls, watches, hats, bed spreads, hot water bottles, slippers, trainers, trousers, socks, pants (!), Screen Savers, jigsaws, lunchboxes, and loads of other stuff! Come on Eidos! Do something else with your great cash cow that is Ms Lara Croft! Milk those udders until there’s nothing left, and then, maybe we won’t need to complain about reason 1, because they will have shrunk! HA!

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